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Archive for the ‘family’ Category

Time flies…

Oh this momma has been bad…what can I say its been a long winter.Lets start with boys update and go from there.Braidi you started preschool and have a love for everything related to school.The stories you tell me after school are the highlight of my day.You continue to grow in leaps and bounds.This will be the first season you are signed up for soccer so between you and your big brother we will be living at the soccer fields…

Tristin first grade has been another great year for you…You are staying steady with A’s,however the one thing your teacher pointed out was you are your own worse critic.You are to hard on yourself lil man its ok to make mistakes thats how we learn so slow down.You love reading and everynight reading with you is a special experience.

The mover never had to happen…we got lucky and Jason ended up with a great job only 7 miles from home.On the Cancer fron I had another scan WHEW still clean a couple more slipped disc and muscle spasms but hey I will take that over Cancer any day….

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Inner reflections…

I really have a hard time with winter.I love the snow dont get me wrong,but I reach a point when I just need to feel the sun.Feel it on my face warming up my joints.I get tired of the cold,the nakedness that comes along with winter.The being confined in the same placeĀ for long periods of time literally makes me climb the walls.So today I self diagnosed myself..its called winter blahs…please let me survive it.Because change is in the air at the Ty house and I see it coming faster and faster.Making my brain spiral out of control.Its a change that takes me away from my comfort zone.Takes me away from all I have ever known.If it happens it will be a good change for many reasons,but it also leaves my lil family all alone in a life boat by ourselves.And it scares the crap out of me.But for him and a better future for our family I will take Xan*x pull on the big girl panties ,and put a smile on my face…

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Sometimes its a matter of stepping back.Its taking a moment to breathe.Remembering that you are still here for a reason.Its putting one foot in front of another.Looking at your family and feeling the love.Its all these things that help me keep the panic at bay.In a couple months we will be doing another cancer scan.They will be strapping my head into the brain gear to make sure my brain is still free from cancer,scanning my spine yet again to make sure it is still all clear.I hate that word.The C word has literally almost ruined my life and ended it depending on how you look at it.Instead of springing into the thirties I shrunk into a former shell of myself.People try to figure out how I can joke about it..well sometimes its a matter of joking instead of crying.I look in the mirror and try to figure out the woman standing before me.Who is she?What in the world happened to her?And thats when I step back,I inhale and exhale.And remind myself of what I have overcome from the strength that I do have.I kiss my boys and cuddle with my husband.I grab the little mirror and hold it in front of my face in front of the big mirror and instead of gasping at that horrible scar I am going to show it proudly as a sign of courage,strength ,and bravery.

my badge of strength and bravery...

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A moment..

A few weeks ago I caught you by your little arms..What do you have all over your face Braidi??As I held onto you and tried to wash your face.You looked at me with the seriousness of a little old man”I’m covered in mommy kisses” was your quick reply..Yes my lil man and dont forget it you guys will always be covered in mommy kisses…

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Not an easy number…

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first baseball game...

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Dear Braidi,

wow five today lil man..no longer a baby or preschooler.It’s a hard number for any mommy.You grow so much everyday and everyday it is a new adventure with you in our lives.The lil glint that spells trouble is still in your eyes and we wouldnt change a thing.Your our silly child,quick to smile and share your dimples,and quick to conspire with your brother over ways to make everyone laugh.You are still such a cuddely lil boy and still want to be on your mommas lap.You amaze me everyday with your games of pretend and the things you build with your blocks.We love you lil man try to slow down ok?As mommy types this the tears roll down my face over how fast you are growing and how blessed we are to have you.Happy Birthday Braidi xoxo…

love mommy

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Things that come with age…

As another birthday creeps closer (October 1) I’m trying to figure out things that I continue to learn.You really have to learn to love yourself..to give yourself completely in a relationship you need to learn to do this first.Maybe thats where I have always went wrong.I’ve never learned to fully love myself.I am my worse critic.My weight,personality,looks you name it I am hard on myself about it.I cant help it…it stems from the childhood that didnt feel like much of one because of the man that raised me.But we can save that story another day,lets put it this way I never did anything right in his eyes thats why we dont have a relaionship and never will.If time heals all wounds why is it mine always feel raw and wide open.Why do I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop.My butt,boobs and everything else no longer feel like they are in the same location as they where in my twenties.I see tired eyes and laugh lines.I see scars that werent there before,but am now stuck with.I worry everyday about the boys I brought into the world.Thanks to surgery I now have arthritis and my joints swell and pop.When people leave I tell them how much they are loved because you dont know if it will be the last.I worry about aging and getting older now.Different colored hairs keep popping up at random.I worry about the future of the USA something I never really worried to much about.It all feels like a worry game now…but the Cancer I think leads the pack will it come back??Our futures are mapped out before we are born so I guess time will tell,but hey atleast I made it through 30 now lets see about 31

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In my youth…

The nice thing about being young is no worries…I remember my mom telling me to slow down and not to grow up so fast,but at the time you dont get it..Now I do.Now I wish I could have enjoyed it more.Now I want nothing more than for my children to stay young as long as possible.Then I thought all babies where fine and pregnancy was easy.Now I know thats not true and ache for my bloggy friend that deserves to have one of her own.I ache from one mommy to another every woman should feel this its just not fair.Then cancer was a word some thing that would never touch me.Now I know different,now I know that it can turn your world upside down and in and out.It will change your thoughts and feelings you can go from feeling nice to feeling an anger you never knew you had.Days when you want to shake your fist and question why me and get no response.But you carry on because you werent given a choice.Then marriage was fairytales with prince charming.Now a fairytale lol ummm yea right marriage is the hardest job EVER it makes you scream and cry and ache in a way that you never felt before but at the end of the day you hope that the love you have will get you through.The boogeyman then was just a word,now I know he is real and every person I see has the potential to hurt my boys and that would totally drive me over the edge…I’m sorry boys but being overprotective is a parents job and no you cant go to so and so house because I dont know the family…then people our age didnt die,now I know thats not true I miss you Kenneth one day we will see you again.then money wasnt a worry now I wonder how to rob Peter to pay Paul sometimes sigh.Now I know that eventhough we have rough days we need to treasure them because tommorow might not be here…

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