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Archive for the ‘miscarriage’ Category

It looks like the end..

I started bleeding last night and am pretty sure that I also passed something.I couldn’t bring myself to check it out.What I did see wasn’t that big but bigger than a normal clot.Today has been pretty crappy.I have had so much pressure and the bleeding has picked up.Oh well I just want this to be over.My body finally decided to do what needed to be done.We have had alot of snow on and off and Tristins school was cancelled.Thank God because I haven’t been moving the best.We made a trip to Walmart since I ran out of Ibuprofen and that has been about it.It is just so strange that something that was so suppose to be the beginning of life ended up being the ending of it.I guess we don’t realize how vulnerable we really are.Here today gone tomorrow.The only good thing that has come from today is Jason getting a call back from the people he interviewed with and they want him to come in the morning for a test.So hopefully this week will turn out alright.

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I wanted to try to do that today.Tell funny stories about things the kids have done this week etc.You do notice that it is past tense right.I just can’t I don’t have it in me just yet.This isn’t our first time going through this.Back before I ever had Tristin I had a positive test,before I even saw the Dr. I started bleeding.I just don’t remember being this hurt the last time.Maybe because I was younger and I knew that we would have more helped.To be honest I am really not sure.This time I am still waiting for my body to wipe away what is left,but instead it is failing me.I am stuck everyday getting up and still seeing the full breasts,and the little belly.That is the hardest part of all of this.Seeing the little belly through my shirts.With the boys I popped early on apparently this wasn’t going to be any different.The belly that I viewed just a few days ago as being one that was just really bloated from being so late.Instead the very air I breath was knocked out of me when I found out that it had been a different type of belly.I think the numbness has worn off instead it has been replaced by a very angry person.One that feels like I have failed.A person that questions if maybe I should just consider how blessed I am with two and just get rid of thought of having another.I am praying that once my body realizes everything is done and over and my body returns to normal again that I will move on.Thats why I can’t bring myself to call and get the stupid betas.What is going to say that my Dr. hasn’t already told me.One things for sure next week can’t get here fast enough.I just want to take that stupid pill and be done.Maybe I should have just begged for him to give it to me then.I am just ready to move on.I guess I will just continue beggingfor the grand finale so it happens naturally,but I figure I will be taking a pill next week.Beacuse thats just the way my body does things.

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Just hanging around…

I need to get Braidi and I dressed so we can pick up his Bubby and hit the grocery store.I just don’t feel like it.But,I don’t have a choice.I decided not to call and get the beta whats the point gone is gone…if nothing happens this week I am sure that I will be taking a pill from hell.I can’t imagine it will be an easy experience.I am just numb all over.I wish I understood,but I don’t.Life will go on and I am sure we will eventually try for another it just hurts in a way I can’t explain.I can’t imagine the loss i would have felt if I had actually saw a positive sign and been farther along.I will just continue to feel a little numb and be ready when this is completely done and over.The thing is I can’t move on yet because my body still hasn’t realized it is done yet.So hopefully sometime next week I will move on.

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Trying to get a grip..

OK going to try to explain this the best I can.To be honest I didn’t hear 100% I knid of blacked out.A home pregnancy test only detects HCG at a certain level.Were as a blood test will detect it right away.The reason mine didn’t show up was because the HCG wasn’t high enough.During the pelvic exam a DR can feel your uterus and tell how far along you are etc…He was able to feel my uterus and said basically that it had been a pregnant uterus.The beta they did will tell how far down the HCG has went.I am not sure I understand everything because like I said I blacked out.Took my breath away.It was not what I was expecting.I am hurt,upset,frustrated but it must have happend for a reason.If I wouldn’t have went in I probably wouldn’t have known all this because I probably would have just had a really bad period.I keep replaying everything over,and over in my head.Thank God the kiddies were home with daddy.Jason ended up being home so it worked out.So if anybody has had any similiar experience please explain it to me….Anyways we are waiting a week if all of this doesn’t happen naturally I will be given something to jump start it.He mentioned a pill cant remember the name.I feel like I am in a really bad dream

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LOST

It looks like I was pregnant after all.Something they can see during an exam I am not sure.After the exam he sent me to get blood work.We are waiting to see what the HCG levels are.If they continue to drop I will lose the baby naturally.If I am still this way a week from now we will have to be given something to have it done.I told him the test was negative honestly thought I wasn’t.He said it was probably negative because I was already loosing it at that point in time.Anyways trying to think positive.I didn’t know.Nothing I could have done would have stopped this.Maybe something was wrong and it happened for a reason.I don’t know…

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