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Archive for the ‘RECOVERY’ Category

Sometimes its a matter of stepping back.Its taking a moment to breathe.Remembering that you are still here for a reason.Its putting one foot in front of another.Looking at your family and feeling the love.Its all these things that help me keep the panic at bay.In a couple months we will be doing another cancer scan.They will be strapping my head into the brain gear to make sure my brain is still free from cancer,scanning my spine yet again to make sure it is still all clear.I hate that word.The C word has literally almost ruined my life and ended it depending on how you look at it.Instead of springing into the thirties I shrunk into a former shell of myself.People try to figure out how I can joke about it..well sometimes its a matter of joking instead of crying.I look in the mirror and try to figure out the woman standing before me.Who is she?What in the world happened to her?And thats when I step back,I inhale and exhale.And remind myself of what I have overcome from the strength that I do have.I kiss my boys and cuddle with my husband.I grab the little mirror and hold it in front of my face in front of the big mirror and instead of gasping at that horrible scar I am going to show it proudly as a sign of courage,strength ,and bravery.

my badge of strength and bravery...

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Looks like we’ve made it…

One year ago today boys our world as we knew it changed…mommy underwent a surgery w/o knowing for sure what those results would be.I came out of it a changed person…we have all changed because of it.In all honesty I think it made you guys grow up faster.Your mommy went from doing everything to barely doing anything…It’s been a long journey for all of us,but we all banded together and have become stronger from it.You are both amazing with how freely you give hugs,kisses or even words of encouragement.I cant tell you how proud that makes mommy/daddy to know we are raising such great lil men.You have gotten really understanding with mommys bad days…and we all take advantage of the good days.We have started walking as a family..our first walk was about 1.5 miles not bad for the first time,we are also very busy with the soccer scene,and will soon be busy enjoying the pool.So this year is starting to getter better.We are finally figuring mommys situation a little better and are starting to learn how we can possibly keep things as normal as possible for you guys.So thankyou for loving me unconditionally and standing by my side like the little troopers you are..I love you guys

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Survival 101…

Whew what a week it has been..rough week at the ty house.J and I had a week.One where I am sure we both thought of running off.I think my anxiety over the scan started bothering him.And him being all man cant talk to woman about his thoughts.So its been bad.But he has cuddled with me and talked about what our new reality will be like.Honestly thats all I needed was something other than attitude.I dont really believe in divorce for several reasons I am the messed up product of one,kids,kids,we still love each other.Sometimes we just need reminded of that.Marriage just isnt easy.Are all divorces messy no,but nothing is ever easy.Lots of good friends out here in bloggy land/facebook have really talked me off the ledge lately.Thankyou guys you help me stay sane.I am trying to stay positive its just hard at times when the depression takes over.It doesnt help with all the insecurities knocking at my door…Kristin I really need to talk to you see if there is anything we can figure out to put me in shape,but not hurt me in the process..I am not sure there is but I will pay you if we can figure out something…Monica love you girl thinking of you and your little man hold your head up one day we will be celebrating a great bday…so thats it for now I am off to snuggle with the family…

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The count down begins…

Tommorow I report to the hospital at 11:40.The scan should start at 12:00..I wont know anything until Monday.If I get another all clear I wont have to do it again for a year…Hoping for that year.Brain scan *shutter*are horrible.You get something strapped to your head then you are put in the tube…the tube really isnt bad its having my head straaped in that flips me out…*shutter* *shutter* so it will be a long day at the Ty house…what fun…..

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Taking care of me part 1

So I made it to get my haircut and eyebrows done.Didnt get the coverup or tan.But atleast its a start.Next step highlights and tanning..baby steps

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It can happen to you…

I am going to give a lecture at the college about life changing events.I am not sure yet what all I will say.Its been hard and is still hard.How do I talk about the trauma.The stress on my marriage,family,me?How can you even put it into words?I feel needy now,and thats not me.I need to hear words from my husband,gestures anything to help me chase away the fears.And thats just not him.I cant expect him to change,but yet I need him in a way that he doesnt get.I am not the same person.He is as confused by it as I am.So we are taking baby steps in trying to figure out the new me together.Because thats what we do…So tomorrow even if the day is a really bad one I will get my hair and eyebrows done,go lay in the tanning bed since the heat is the only thing that helps my spine.I am also going to try and find a cover-up for my dark circles.The old me is still in there and I have to get as much of her back as possible.And I will sign Tristin up for soccer.So if I am gone for a couple days its probably because I am recovering.Recovering from taking care of me…

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A little bit of everything..

-I was told to play nice..are you kidding me?The gloves came off..my lisc. was suspended again.So I called the state their mistake had to clear it up…

-I wish I could love myself again.

-my cancer scan is Wednesday..This is not getting easier

-I am tired of people telling me how bad I look..its been hard ok and I still feel like crap

-how can you still gain weight when you are sick after you eat..so much for the fact that I use to never be able to put weight on

-my left leg is now 3 inches smaller than the right..proof about how messed up its been

-I have to get a brace for my left ankle because according to the neuro dr its rolling.

-Tristin lost another tooth that is four in all so far

-why am I still up at 6:00 a.m.

-anybody got great plans for the day?

so thats my chaotic thoughts at 6:00 arent you happy to have stopped to listen to me ramble..hope everyone has a great day..

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