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Sometimes its a matter of stepping back.Its taking a moment to breathe.Remembering that you are still here for a reason.Its putting one foot in front of another.Looking at your family and feeling the love.Its all these things that help me keep the panic at bay.In a couple months we will be doing another cancer scan.They will be strapping my head into the brain gear to make sure my brain is still free from cancer,scanning my spine yet again to make sure it is still all clear.I hate that word.The C word has literally almost ruined my life and ended it depending on how you look at it.Instead of springing into the thirties I shrunk into a former shell of myself.People try to figure out how I can joke about it..well sometimes its a matter of joking instead of crying.I look in the mirror and try to figure out the woman standing before me.Who is she?What in the world happened to her?And thats when I step back,I inhale and exhale.And remind myself of what I have overcome from the strength that I do have.I kiss my boys and cuddle with my husband.I grab the little mirror and hold it in front of my face in front of the big mirror and instead of gasping at that horrible scar I am going to show it proudly as a sign of courage,strength ,and bravery.

my badge of strength and bravery...

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Survival 101…

Whew what a week it has been..rough week at the ty house.J and I had a week.One where I am sure we both thought of running off.I think my anxiety over the scan started bothering him.And him being all man cant talk to woman about his thoughts.So its been bad.But he has cuddled with me and talked about what our new reality will be like.Honestly thats all I needed was something other than attitude.I dont really believe in divorce for several reasons I am the messed up product of one,kids,kids,we still love each other.Sometimes we just need reminded of that.Marriage just isnt easy.Are all divorces messy no,but nothing is ever easy.Lots of good friends out here in bloggy land/facebook have really talked me off the ledge lately.Thankyou guys you help me stay sane.I am trying to stay positive its just hard at times when the depression takes over.It doesnt help with all the insecurities knocking at my door…Kristin I really need to talk to you see if there is anything we can figure out to put me in shape,but not hurt me in the process..I am not sure there is but I will pay you if we can figure out something…Monica love you girl thinking of you and your little man hold your head up one day we will be celebrating a great bday…so thats it for now I am off to snuggle with the family…

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The count down begins…

Tommorow I report to the hospital at 11:40.The scan should start at 12:00..I wont know anything until Monday.If I get another all clear I wont have to do it again for a year…Hoping for that year.Brain scan *shutter*are horrible.You get something strapped to your head then you are put in the tube…the tube really isnt bad its having my head straaped in that flips me out…*shutter* *shutter* so it will be a long day at the Ty house…what fun…..

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A little bit of everything..

-I was told to play nice..are you kidding me?The gloves came off..my lisc. was suspended again.So I called the state their mistake had to clear it up…

-I wish I could love myself again.

-my cancer scan is Wednesday..This is not getting easier

-I am tired of people telling me how bad I look..its been hard ok and I still feel like crap

-how can you still gain weight when you are sick after you eat..so much for the fact that I use to never be able to put weight on

-my left leg is now 3 inches smaller than the right..proof about how messed up its been

-I have to get a brace for my left ankle because according to the neuro dr its rolling.

-Tristin lost another tooth that is four in all so far

-why am I still up at 6:00 a.m.

-anybody got great plans for the day?

so thats my chaotic thoughts at 6:00 arent you happy to have stopped to listen to me ramble..hope everyone has a great day..

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I started therapy yesterday on my hips..do you want to know how many women it takes to try to relax muscles?we will put it this way two couldnt make the spasm go away..One held on to my right leg trying to keep it on the bed another had my leg over her head trying to get the spasm to let go..it was a no go…instead the spasm started on the right because of the stress they were putting on my left..They were impressed that I was walking..well yeah I have a family cant quit now.They mentioned surgery that would put a pump in my stomache and have the meds go directly to my spine..um yeah no thanks dont care that i am the perfect candidate for it i will pass.the only time i feel the spasm is when it hits theĀ  right so i will keep trucking the way i am.i am trying to remain surgery free in 2009..last weel i had my appointment with disabil*ty dr…a whole 5-10 minutes yeah they really needed us to drive for an hour for that…so i guess we will here something in the next couple weeks…all prayers and good vibes appreciated..so thats all at the Ty house stay tuned for some more pictures…

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Woohoo..

I passed oh yeah..perfect score oh yeah..new aful lisc. picture but you have that..lol Monica I miss you hope everything works out you can always join wordpress…now i am off to take care of sick kiddies…

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I’m in a mood…

I cant really put my finger on whats wrong yet.I don’t know if its because we have a really busy week coming up or the fact that we will be doing a scan again soon.Another scan thats what life has come down to now…scans to see if my life will be changed again.How can I even tell anybody how I feel.I cant explain what its like to have pain everyday of my life.Will it get better?How is this impacting my childrens life.My husbands?We went from being active to not doing anything..Oh the guilt it could eat a person whole.Medical mystery why does it sound better on a tv show versus real life.my life and that of my familys.The Dr’s have talked to me about cancer/disability support groups but for what.So far I dont know what its like to have the treatments.I do know the constant fear.Every headache now almost brings on a full anxiety attack because what if its the cancer again?And if they wouldnt have caught it when they did I would have been gone this year.And the disability what kind of support is there for that.It is what it is.It’s my cross to bare..Just because at times it feels like to much.How do really sick people deal with this everyday.Why us?I am just not feeling that strong today..today I wish I could pull the covers over my head and sob like a baby..but,I have kids so I will put my happy face back on and march back into the room.And life continues to go on…

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