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O how you grow….

Braidi three days..Tristin two years

 

Boys,

it feels like yesterday I looked at these lil┬áhands in wonder.Now I stand here in awe at the men you are becoming.How is this possible?Where has the time went.I still get up through the night and feel your chest to make sure you are still breathing,every little bump over the monitor sends this mommy running.I cant believe you are five and seven.I look at you both and see so much of your dad and I in you that it astounds me.If I had one wish for the both of you it would be that you stay as innocent as you are for as long as possible.Its a tough world out there boys and I dont want you to know how bad it is for as long as possible.So lets slow down ok…growing up isnt as fun as it sounds….love always

mommy

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Not an easy number…

06152009_002

first baseball game...

10312009(2)DSC01803

Dear Braidi,

wow five today lil man..no longer a baby or preschooler.It’s a hard number for any mommy.You grow so much everyday and everyday it is a new adventure with you in our lives.The lil glint that spells trouble is still in your eyes and we wouldnt change a thing.Your our silly child,quick to smile and share your dimples,and quick to conspire with your brother over ways to make everyone laugh.You are still such a cuddely lil boy and still want to be on your mommas lap.You amaze me everyday with your games of pretend and the things you build with your blocks.We love you lil man try to slow down ok?As mommy types this the tears roll down my face over how fast you are growing and how blessed we are to have you.Happy Birthday Braidi xoxo…

love mommy

Things that come with age…

As another birthday creeps closer (October 1) I’m trying to figure out things that I continue to learn.You really have to learn to love yourself..to give yourself completely in a relationship you need to learn to do this first.Maybe thats where I have always went wrong.I’ve never learned to fully love myself.I am my worse critic.My weight,personality,looks you name it I am hard on myself about it.I cant help it…it stems from the childhood that didnt feel like much of one because of the man that raised me.But we can save that story another day,lets put it this way I never did anything right in his eyes thats why we dont have a relaionship and never will.If time heals all wounds why is it mine always feel raw and wide open.Why do I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop.My butt,boobs and everything else no longer feel like they are in the same location as they where in my twenties.I see tired eyes and laugh lines.I see scars that werent there before,but am now stuck with.I worry everyday about the boys I brought into the world.Thanks to surgery I now have arthritis and my joints swell and pop.When people leave I tell them how much they are loved because you dont know if it will be the last.I worry about aging and getting older now.Different colored hairs keep popping up at random.I worry about the future of the USA something I never really worried to much about.It all feels like a worry game now…but the Cancer I think leads the pack will it come back??Our futures are mapped out before we are born so I guess time will tell,but hey atleast I made it through 30 now lets see about 31

Braidi cracks me up…being home alone with him can be interesting.Lately he has been on an interesting kick.It started with the banana bread ph how good he thought it was.Then the homemade sloppy joe was the best ever.And today???Today I figured out he is sucking up already for a new car,beacause today when making the baked oatmeal he told me what a good stirrer I was…lol yes thats right his words Iam a great stirrer lol..The kid is on to the system lol….

In my youth…

The nice thing about being young is no worries…I remember my mom telling me to slow down and not to grow up so fast,but at the time you dont get it..Now I do.Now I wish I could have enjoyed it more.Now I want nothing more than for my children to stay young as long as possible.Then I thought all babies where fine and pregnancy was easy.Now I know thats not true and ache for my bloggy friend that deserves to have one of her own.I ache from one mommy to another every woman should feel this its just not fair.Then cancer was a word some thing that would never touch me.Now I know different,now I know that it can turn your world upside down and in and out.It will change your thoughts and feelings you can go from feeling nice to feeling an anger you never knew you had.Days when you want to shake your fist and question why me and get no response.But you carry on because you werent given a choice.Then marriage was fairytales with prince charming.Now a fairytale lol ummm yea right marriage is the hardest job EVER it makes you scream and cry and ache in a way that you never felt before but at the end of the day you hope that the love you have will get you through.The boogeyman then was just a word,now I know he is real and every person I see has the potential to hurt my boys and that would totally drive me over the edge…I’m sorry boys but being overprotective is a parents job and no you cant go to so and so house because I dont know the family…then people our age didnt die,now I know thats not true I miss you Kenneth one day we will see you again.then money wasnt a worry now I wonder how to rob Peter to pay Paul sometimes sigh.Now I know that eventhough we have rough days we need to treasure them because tommorow might not be here…

Whats in your wash?

It’s funny when your by yourself you quickly figure out to make sure not wash that favorite lip gloss or maybe the spare cash and your liscense from a night out…Then you move in with someone and quickly figure out their quirks..for me its been blue chalk from the pool table..thanks hon lol atleast I quickly learned from that.Then you have boys and it just keeps getting interesting pet rocks,and stuff from the tackle boxes,trucks,flowers,crackers atleast I havent found a worm yet….lol but it does bring a smile to my face looking in lil pockets and seeing what they treasured that day…