first baseball game...

Dear Braidi,

wow five today lil man..no longer a baby or preschooler.It’s a hard number for any mommy.You grow so much everyday and everyday it is a new adventure with you in our lives.The lil glint that spells trouble is still in your eyes and we wouldnt change a thing.Your our silly child,quick to smile and share your dimples,and quick to conspire with your brother over ways to make everyone laugh.You are still such a cuddely lil boy and still want to be on your mommas lap.You amaze me everyday with your games of pretend and the things you build with your blocks.We love you lil man try to slow down ok?As mommy types this the tears roll down my face over how fast you are growing and how blessed we are to have you.Happy Birthday Braidi xoxo…

love mommy

As another birthday creeps closer (October 1) I’m trying to figure out things that I continue to learn.You really have to learn to love yourself..to give yourself completely in a relationship you need to learn to do this first.Maybe thats where I have always went wrong.I’ve never learned to fully love myself.I am my worse critic.My weight,personality,looks you name it I am hard on myself about it.I cant help it…it stems from the childhood that didnt feel like much of one because of the man that raised me.But we can save that story another day,lets put it this way I never did anything right in his eyes thats why we dont have a relaionship and never will.If time heals all wounds why is it mine always feel raw and wide open.Why do I keep waiting on the other shoe to drop.My butt,boobs and everything else no longer feel like they are in the same location as they where in my twenties.I see tired eyes and laugh lines.I see scars that werent there before,but am now stuck with.I worry everyday about the boys I brought into the world.Thanks to surgery I now have arthritis and my joints swell and pop.When people leave I tell them how much they are loved because you dont know if it will be the last.I worry about aging and getting older now.Different colored hairs keep popping up at random.I worry about the future of the USA something I never really worried to much about.It all feels like a worry game now…but the Cancer I think leads the pack will it come back??Our futures are mapped out before we are born so I guess time will tell,but hey atleast I made it through 30 now lets see about 31

Braidi cracks me up…being home alone with him can be interesting.Lately he has been on an interesting kick.It started with the banana bread ph how good he thought it was.Then the homemade sloppy joe was the best ever.And today???Today I figured out he is sucking up already for a new car,beacause today when making the baked oatmeal he told me what a good stirrer I was…lol yes thats right his words Iam a great stirrer lol..The kid is on to the system lol….

The nice thing about being young is no worries…I remember my mom telling me to slow down and not to grow up so fast,but at the time you dont get it..Now I do.Now I wish I could have enjoyed it more.Now I want nothing more than for my children to stay young as long as possible.Then I thought all babies where fine and pregnancy was easy.Now I know thats not true and ache for my bloggy friend that deserves to have one of her own.I ache from one mommy to another every woman should feel this its just not fair.Then cancer was a word some thing that would never touch me.Now I know different,now I know that it can turn your world upside down and in and out.It will change your thoughts and feelings you can go from feeling nice to feeling an anger you never knew you had.Days when you want to shake your fist and question why me and get no response.But you carry on because you werent given a choice.Then marriage was fairytales with prince charming.Now a fairytale lol ummm yea right marriage is the hardest job EVER it makes you scream and cry and ache in a way that you never felt before but at the end of the day you hope that the love you have will get you through.The boogeyman then was just a word,now I know he is real and every person I see has the potential to hurt my boys and that would totally drive me over the edge…I’m sorry boys but being overprotective is a parents job and no you cant go to so and so house because I dont know the family…then people our age didnt die,now I know thats not true I miss you Kenneth one day we will see you again.then money wasnt a worry now I wonder how to rob Peter to pay Paul sometimes sigh.Now I know that eventhough we have rough days we need to treasure them because tommorow might not be here…

It’s funny when your by yourself you quickly figure out to make sure not wash that favorite lip gloss or maybe the spare cash and your liscense from a night out…Then you move in with someone and quickly figure out their quirks..for me its been blue chalk from the pool table..thanks hon lol atleast I quickly learned from that.Then you have boys and it just keeps getting interesting pet rocks,and stuff from the tackle boxes,trucks,flowers,crackers atleast I havent found a worm yet….lol but it does bring a smile to my face looking in lil pockets and seeing what they treasured that day…

I’m ready….

will miss my brother….

awwwww

Dear Tristin,
today marks your first day at a new school and first day in first grade.My how time flies…After one break down last week about missing your friends you turned into the brave strong lil man we know and love.To calm my fears this morning you even looked at me and said I love you mom it will be ok…and ok I am sure it will be.I cant wait to hear about new friends and how the first grade is.When shopping for a backpack with your nanny you informed her you where to old for characters and instead chose a simple black satchel.Its ok to slow down lil man its ok.We are in no hurry for you to grow up.So slow down and enjoy we love you….

Dear Tristin,

today marks your 7th year…wow how time flies bye.Its so hard to believe you will be starting 1st grade.Who is this lil man standing before me.You are such  gentleman.You are quick to open doors,fast on your feet when it come to taking care of your lil brother needs.When he is in trouble it is you he seeks out to wipe his tears…You are growing like a weed and are still as skinny as ever.Always on the go you have discovered the fun behind video games and are often glued beside daddy convinced you will eventually beat daddy.The love you have in your heart for everyone and everything astounds me.Oh how you fill my heart with joy with your hugs and kisses easing any of my fears of how good of a job we are doing…you Are sensitive my sweet boy and cant stand anybody to raise their voice even a lil bit.All I can say baby is we love you and are so proud of you.Happy birthday my little man and here is to many more….

So life marches on know matter what.Kids grow,marriages struggle and yet we all continue on…Continue on to what?Well I’m not sure.My first brorn will be going into first grade,J is in school and we are working on this thing called life.I’m scared and hurt but we have been through alot in 12 years so lets just leave it at that and see what happens ok?My boys are becoming lil men.Tristin holds doors open for all and is the best big brother ever…They are still loving being in the same room together and you can usually see Braidi curled up next to big brother.Braidi hmmm …is in one word ROTTEN…lol he is crazy,and silly and so unlike his brother that if I didnt push him into the world I would question dna hehe..Tristin is still loving books and I enjoy watching him read.As for me I am so emotionally exhausted that it scares me at times..physically its all the same good days and bad days…..I can tell you when it is going to rain with a scary accuracy lol the benefits of my surgery better than the weatherman…but more to come later with pictures included I promise…off to relax with the heating pad night all

I have been in a funk…not any funk  a funk so bad I felt like my inner demons where wining.The thing is when you are a mommy you are not given that choice its fight to survive and dont give up….So thats what I am doing surviving for the boys….back in a few days with pictures of course because all these boys have done all summer is grow…sigh